


Mirror Image

by aMUSEment345



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-24 17:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17708558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: Three-shot.  Post-ep to 14x15, 'Truth or Dare'.  Reid and JJ reflect, and talk.





	1. Chapter 1

_**A.N. Post-ep 14x15, 'Truth or Dare'.  
** _

* * *

_**Mirror Image** _

He stood before the mirror, staring.

Staring.

Almost always before, he'd stared at the image of a man apart. A man with great intelligence, but few friends. Great responsibility, but no one with whom to share the burdens of it. Great capacity to love, but a sometimes crushing loneliness.

Tonight, he stood before the mirror and saw someone else. He saw a man, loved by a woman.

It wasn't the first time he'd seen that image. It had happened once in his past. Transiently, oddly. That time, there had been a sense of wonder, almost disbelief. A sense of promise. All of which had evaporated far too quickly, and tragically. After that time, he'd not looked in the mirror for a great many days.

But, tonight, he once again saw a man loved by a woman. And he was changed.

He'd been blindsided, at the time, not so much by the words she'd said as by the fact that she'd said them.

_She thought she was going to die. She thought we were both going to die, together. If not for that, she would have made something up, I'm sure of it._

She'd started out that way. She'd engaged their unsub as a means to distract him, to buy some time for the team to do what the team always did. But the man had been too volatile, and they'd lost control of the situation. Only Reid had known that he was near to freeing himself, and only Reid had known that he was wearing an ankle holster. All JJ had known was that the unsub had just fired wildly at her best friend when he'd been dissatisfied with the 'truth' she'd given him.

_Best friend._

_Partner._

She was both of those things to him, and had been, for better than a decade. And he'd been the same to her _ **.**_ But they'd also been that unstated 'something more' to one another. It had been JJ whose image he'd held on to, throughout his time in prison. JJ to whom he'd entrusted the care of his mother. It had been JJ's embrace he'd accepted, as he'd sought to ease the pain of losing Maeve. It had been JJ who'd seen him completely splayed open in his battle with Cat Adams, JJ who'd seen him at his worst, and still managed to love him.

And it had been Reid to whom JJ had entrusted the love and stewardship of the two people most precious in her life. It had been Reid to whom she'd confessed the fact of her miscarriage. Reid who'd seen her anguish, and confronted it, and absorbed the misdirected emotion of it . Reid who'd pushed her to confront the source of that anguish.

Best friend.

Partner.

Something more.

' _I thought you should know.'_

He  _had_ known. Of course he had. He'd felt it, just as he was sure she had. Not that he hadn't doubted, at times, along the way. Not that he hadn't actively  _tried_  to doubt. He'd thought it would be easier than the alternative.

She'd tried to tell him she'd been lying, but he knew better. He didn't even need to know her 'tells' to be certain. He only had to know her.

Reid's focus on the man in the mirror blurred, as his mind traveled back fourteen years, to his first memory of her. He smiled to think that it hadn't actually been forged on the day they'd first met.

She'd been the embodiment of everything he'd learned to avoid in the opposite sex. He'd been victimized more than once by a beautiful, intelligent female. Despite his pubescent hormonal attraction to them, he'd determined that they were creatures to be avoided.

_I don't think I even let her imprint on my brain for a few weeks._

But she'd broken him down, with a cheerful smile and unexpected kindness. The day she'd brought in that birthday cake for him, and Gideon had given him those tickets, and had encouraged him to ask her to go with him….

_That was the first time I'd ever asked anyone out. And, after it was over, I thought it might well have been the last._

His social skills had been too sorely underdeveloped, and hers too finely honed. The date hadn't exactly been a disaster, but it had been awkward enough to have become part of the shared trauma upon which some friendships are built.

So had the work they'd done, so often side-by-side, under the tutelage of Aaron Hotchner and Jason Gideon. They'd seen and heard things most people would shudder to see and hear, each of them for the first time. They'd laughed together, and cried alone, and bit by unseen bit, they'd forged a relationship that neither of them had ever quite tried to categorize. They'd just accepted it, and enjoyed it, and, gradually, treasured it.

He'd grown into his maturity in the BAU, sometimes embarrassingly so, in front of the people he called colleagues. He'd also succumbed to the trauma he'd suffered at the whim of a demented unsub, and his desperate desire to ease the pain. That had happened in front of his colleagues, too.

The latter had so damaged his self-esteem that, no matter his burgeoning maturity and acquired social skills, he'd been unable to even conceive of being in a relationship. Unable to conceive of being in  _the_  relationship he'd begun to fantasize about. He'd simply cared for her too much to foist himself upon her, even if she would have had him.

He'd barely begun the process of recovery when she'd begun to see Will. When she'd still been seeing him a year later, and certainly, when there had been Henry, Reid had let go of the fantasy. But he'd not let go of the love. He'd allowed it to remain as a source of warmth, and nurturing. He'd realized how much it had transformed him when she'd looked past his failings, and shown her trust in him, by asking him to become Henry's godfather. He'd marveled, at the time, that despite his love for her, he still had such a deep well of it to bestow on the tiny, squirmy infant.

But it hadn't been until he'd fallen in love with another woman that he'd fully realized how spacious his heart was. Ever the analyst, he'd concluded that the acts of loving and receiving love had expanded the virtual chambers, and made it possible to welcome someone new without having to evict any of those already residing there.

He wondered if JJ had experienced something similar.

_She said she's always loved me. Not that she 'used to'. She does. Even if she tried to take it back._

Which he'd known she would do. Which he'd known she would  _have_  to do. Even if she still loved him, even if he could find his way back to loving her as he once had. As he'd never completely stopped doing, if he was completely honest with himself. He'd found a way to love her differently, without loving her less. But, just maybe, that was because there remained a remnant of the kind of love he'd felt before. Or, just maybe, more than a remnant.

There was no question of what would happen now. He'd already told her.

_Everything's okay._

And it would stay that way. If he looked at it rationally, nothing had really changed. She was still committed to her marriage and her family, he was still too caring of his godsons to even want anything to jeopardize that, let alone to be the vehicle behind it. He knew he loved her, in many complex ways, just as he had before. She knew she loved him, just as she had before. Looking at it rationally, nothing had changed.

Except everything.

Now that she'd said it, even if he hadn't reciprocated aloud, now that it was in front of them, it had potential power over them. It could insert itself into every conversation, every decision, every nuance of every interaction. It could turn shared smiles into averted eyes, deep conversations aloft into lonely flights home from whatever human disaster they'd been called to. It had the potential to rob them of the deep affection they'd substituted for romantic love. And Reid couldn't have that.

So he'd allowed her to lie to him, and retract what she'd said. To disguise it as an attempt to delude their unsub, and not acknowledge it as the revelation of her heart.

But their eyes had told them the truth. Just as his were, now, as he continued to stare into the mirror.

He was looking at a man who was valued, and loved, not for what he could do, but for who he was. Not for what he could give her, because he could give her nothing, but just for being himself, even when she knew all of the most ugly parts of him. He was looking at a man who knew how to love her in the same way.

He was looking at a man, who was loved by a woman, whom he loved.

And he was changed.

* * *

_**A.N. I never thought this would actually be canon. (Well, truthfully, and if I twisted my head just right, I'd often thought it already was** _ _**canon, even if unstated.)** _

_**Unlike many, I believe the characters maintained their integrity, and I believe they will continue to do so. Feelings are one thing, actions another.** _

_**For now this is a one shot. If I can get into JJ's head, we may get a chapter from her POV.** _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Mirror Image** _

_**Chapter Two** _

She wiped at the mascara streaming down her cheek, like the runaway tears that had wet it. Looking at herself in the mirror, JJ was confronted with the reddened, wild eyes of a woman whose life had just spun out of control.

_I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. After all this time…._

After all this time of trying so hard not to acknowledge it, even to herself. All this time of refusing to put a name to it, even in her own thoughts. All this time of trying so hard to turn it into something else, to reshape the sharp edges that still managed to pierce her now and again.

After all this time, the only thing she'd ever succeeded at was not saying it aloud. Until yesterday, when she'd failed at that, as well.

_Oh, Spence._

She could only imagine what he'd seen when she'd turned to him in the moment after he'd freed her. The shock in her eyes, first, at having survived, and then, at the realization of what lay between them.

_What I_ put _between us. Oh, God, oh God, oh God, oh God… I swore to myself I would take it to the grave with me. But then, when I thought that might actually happen… and you were there, and….. oh, God._

She'd never meant for him to know. Not officially. Not to the point where it could become a wedge between them. For that matter, she wished  _she'd_ never known. She wished for that time before she'd realized it.

She'd beaten him to the BAU by only a few months, long enough to have established her role, but short enough not to have become quite so accustomed to the things they saw and did on a daily basis. Though he'd been only two years younger than she, his appearance, his mannerisms and the fact that he'd become nearly petrified whenever she'd been near him, had made the age gap seem far greater. It hadn't been until Hotch had started bringing her along on away cases that she and Reid had actually had more than a cursory conversation, and even then, it had been mostly about the crime at hand.

_Until our 'date'._

Smiling in spite of herself, and her situation.

_That was his birthday, the day he asked me. I remember that. I'm not sure I would have agreed, otherwise._

The 'date' had confirmed him as young, and inexperienced, and she'd actually felt a little maternal towards him. But that had begun to change, ever so gradually, over the course of working a seemingly endless succession of cases together. She'd taken note of the confidence in his tone, when he wasn't in a social setting. She'd begun to appreciate, not just his intelligence, but his insight. She'd silently cheered him on for the victories of having contributed to the solving of a case, or the saving of a life. She'd even sought his advice, a time or two. Her affection for him had become infused with respect and admiration, and she'd begun to lose her need to mother him.

But then there had been that disastrous case in Georgia, which had left both of them deeply traumatized, and the fallout from it had created a chasm that she hadn't known how to bridge. Into that space had come Will, and his southern charm, and she'd been looking for something to ease the pain…. And, by the time both she and Reid had emerged, things had completely changed.

But not everything. She'd still cared about him. She'd still worried when he was in danger, or distressed. She'd still admired him, and respected him. She'd been wise enough, familiar enough with human failings, that she'd not focused on his frailties, but on his strength in overcoming them. So it had been only natural for her invite him to be godfather to her firstborn son.

_That's what I told myself. That I was looking out for Henry. What if I was really just finding a way for us to be permanently in each other's lives?_

She'd gotten caught up in the process of parenting and found Will a loving partner in the enterprise. Then, seemingly out of the blue, she'd been pulled from the BAU, and from everything familiar to her, including Reid. She'd been caught off guard when it had been his counsel, and not Will's that she'd longed for when she'd been in Afghanistan.

_I told myself that it was because Spence knew me better in the workplace. But what if that wasn't it?_

Still, Will had become present to her desert experience when she'd found out she was pregnant once again.

_But not present enough for me to have told him about it. About her. Maggie._

She'd returned to find Emily in trouble, and ultimately had made the decision to cooperate in a deception that had nearly cost her the most precious adult relationship of her life.

_How was that love? I told him I've loved him all along, but how could he remember that, and still believe me?_

He'd forgiven her then, even though it had been painful, because he'd loved her. She'd known he would. She'd  _prayed_  he would, because she'd loved him.

But despite knowing how much each of them cared for the other, she'd also known that she loved her son, and his father, and the life they'd made together. So much so that, when all of that had been threatened, she'd responded by making the bonds permanent. She'd already turned him down four times, which should have given her more pause. But, in the throes of relief at his sparing, and that of Henry, she'd made them an official family, and married Will. And she'd tried not to look at Reid as he'd helped Henry with the wedding rings.

Still, they'd continued to work side-by-side, and she'd continued to be acutely aware of his presence. She'd continued to celebrate his triumphs, and support him in his low points. And, from time to time, she'd wondered, 'what if?'.

Always, she'd known he'd loved her. So she'd been taken aback to hear that he'd fallen in love with another, and even more so by the fact that he'd kept it from her. She'd learned of Maeve Donovan's existence on the day of the woman's death. She'd been with Reid as he'd watched the woman he loved…..who  _wasn't_  her…die. Afterward, she'd reached out to him over and over again, rebuffed each time, until finally, he'd surprised them on a case, and surrendered to her embrace. She'd sworn, then, that she would never allow him to be in such pain again.

_As though I had control of his life. Pshaw! As though I've ever even had control of my own!_

But she hadn't. Eventually, life had become kind to her, and granted her another son, and Reid another godchild. But it seemed to have reviled Reid.

_I don't think I've ever felt as much pain as when I had to leave him in that prison. He looked so lost, and frightened, and alone. I thought my heart would break. Maybe it did. Maybe it broke wide open. Maybe it's still wide open._

She'd agonized through the entirety of it, unable to sleep without dreaming of Reid, unable to get through her day without wondering what he was enduring at the very same moment. When he'd at last been released, she'd felt joy like she'd never known, relief beyond measure, and she'd poured both of those things into an embrace that she would remember for the rest of her life. When it was over, she'd accompanied him to the intimidating task of turning Cat Adams, and saving his mother.

_I hate that woman. I hate Cat Adams for what she did put him through. Not just for what she did to Diana, but for what she did to Spence. She was inside his head. She knew how much his integrity meant to him, and she forced him to admit that he'd lost it. More to the point, she him say it in front of me._

Because, even if Jennifer Jareau and Spencer Reid had never admitted it to each other, Cat Adams had easily read what was between them, and she'd used it to torture Reid.

_I was too raw then, too close to him being in prison. I couldn't hide it._

Just as she'd been unable to hide it a few hours ago, when he'd asked her if she'd told the truth, in her game of truth or dare.

_You already knew the truth, Spence. Why ask?_

But, just as he had, she'd known the answer even before she'd asked the question. He'd asked her, so she could lie to him. He'd given her the chance to take it back, so they could go on being who they were, and who they'd been to one another.

He had to know she loved her family, he'd been witness to it often enough. He had to know she would never leave them. She prayed he would understand that was why she'd never told him.

_It wouldn't have changed anything. We'd just be in the agony we're in now._

She'd no sooner had the thought than she'd challenged it.

_Why are you assuming he's upset about this? Are you assuming he's been pining for you the whole time? After all, didn't he tell you, 'Everything's okay"?_

But she was as sure of Reid's love for her as she was of anything in her life.

_He just meant for me to know that he accepts it…both my love, and the fact that nothing can change._

Part of her wondered what would have happened if she'd given him a different answer. What if she'd admitted that she meant it?

_It's not like we would have run away together. Not like we could go off and have this amazing life, and leave everyone and everything behind. We're defined, in large part, by the lives we've led. Our lives brought us together, and one day…_

One day, their lives would lead them apart. Which thought saddened her tremendously.

_But I have to love you enough to let you go, don't I?_

She stared at the woman in the mirror, as a certain resolve entered her eyes.

_Okay, so I will. You know how I feel about you. I know how you feel about me, even if you've never quite said those words. I can live with that if you can._

The woman in the mirror closed her eyes, indulging in one last fantasy.

_If only we could have had one moment. Just one moment, where we were a man and a woman who could have loved one another, even just held one another, just because of love. Not from fear, or relief, or anguish. Just because we love each other. Just one moment, of holding and being held._

She heaved a giant sigh, as she opened her eyes again, and faced her mirror image.

_Time to buck it up, girl. You're a happily married woman, with two amazing sons. And you have a best friend….._

Her face giving up the charade, and crumpling…

_You HAD a best friend. Please, God, that he still is._

Which was when she realized that she couldn't simply bury her feelings, and move on as though Reid's 'Everything's okay' was fact. She was going to have to make it so. She was going to have to do that which had long been anathema to her.

JJ picked up her phone from the bureau, and began tapping at the screen.

IT'S NOT OKAY. I'M NOT OKAY. CAN WE TALK?

* * *

_**A.N. Okay, I guess it's going to be a three shot.** _

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_**Mirror Image** _

_**Chapter 3** _

To get to the walking trail, he had to pass by the same part of the park he'd visited with JJ and the boys that day not long before the events leading to his prison ordeal. It had been Henry's hand-drawn memory of that day that had sustained Reid throughout most of his time at Milburn, because it had reminded him of why he'd needed to survive it. Walking by today, he felt that same aching fullness he'd felt each time Henry's drawing had reminded him of the riches of his life, and how near he'd been to losing them. He felt a little bit like that again, today.

JJ was already waiting for him, jogging in place to keep warm. Although she'd told herself that she'd chosen the walking trail as a way to insure some privacy on the cold winter morning, part of her knew she'd also chosen a mobile encounter as a way to minimize eye contact.

_Because, even when I force myself to be direct, I find a way around it. I am such a coward._

She smiled to see him coming, even as she sensed her pulse beginning to race, and she considered how strange it was to feel so awkward around him. She could only pray it wouldn't be permanent.

"Hi."

His smile was tentative, but affectionate and encouraging. More to the point, he looked and sounded confident, assured. Just as he had at Rossi's wedding, when he'd told her, 'Everything's okay'. Not at all as he'd looked when she'd told him she loved him, bound and helpless on the floor of the jewelry store.

_Except…._

Except that his initial shock and surprise at what she'd said had almost immediately mellowed, and his eyes had become soft, and knowing, even in a circumstance that could well have ended both of their lives.

_You already knew, didn't you? How long have you known, Spence? Did you know before I did? Did you get there before I did?_

"Hi," she greeted him in return. "Okay if we walk?"

"Lead the way."

They set off side by side, hands in pockets, following the trail deeper into the trees, which had been stripped bare for the winter.

_Like me,_ thought JJ.

Looking down at her, Reid saw that she was having trouble getting started.

"You're not okay, are you?"

She glanced up at him. "You  _are_?"

He toggled his head. "I don't know. I think... I think I am."

JJ turned her head forward again, smiling derisively to herself.  _Then what are we doing here?_

Aloud, she said, "Well, then, I guess I should ask, are  _we_  okay?"

Reid walked a few strides before responding, making her anxious. When he spoke, his words did nothing to allay her anxiety.

"You said you'd never lie to me again. Do you remember that?"

She did, exactly. She'd lied to him about Emily having died, and it had nearly put an end to their friendship.

"I've always been honest with you," he went on. "I may have forgotten to tell you a few things…"

"You mean things like how sick your mother really was, or taking trips to Mexico?" Sounding accusatory, in spite of herself, and her intentions. But not daring to speak aloud that other thing he'd forgotten to tell her.

_What about when you fell in love with a woman you'd never met?_

He didn't rise to the challenge. He knew her too well, knew every one of her defense mechanisms.

"Things like that, yes. But I've never lied to you. And I am going to hold you to your word that you'll never lie to me again."

JJ stared at the ground ahead of her as she walked.

"You want me to answer the question. Truth or dare, right?"

"No dare. Just truth."

She sighed. "All right."

Hearing that, Reid unwittingly derailed her plan to eschew eye contact. He took her arm, and turned her to face him.

She did as she'd done at the wedding, when he'd asked her the first time. She looked up with a sad smile, and settled her stance, resigned at having to answer him. But first, she reminded him of something from that prior conversation

"You didn't give me a chance to answer that night, you know."

His gaze narrowed. "Didn't I? I'm a profiler, JJ. I can read body language."

_Which is how I've known the truth for as long as I've known it._

"But you didn't give me a chance to tell you. You didn't give me a chance to say it. And ….. I don't know, I think I might have."

His brows went up. "But you're not sure."

She broke eye contact, shaking her head. "You know me well enough to know I'm a coward about some things."

Emboldened by the situation, Reid lifted her chin, demanding her eyes.

"Don't be a coward now, Jennifer."

JJ looked up at the familiar hazel, so soft, and kind, and patient. And insistent.

She gathered herself before opening her mouth. "All right. You're right. What's to be afraid of, telling my best friend that I love him?"

_Except losing my best friend._

Then, realizing what her words had implied, she hastened to add, "But that wasn't it. I mean, you  _are_  my best friend, and please, God, you still will be. But that wasn't what I meant when I said it. And, yes, I did actually mean it. I … I love you. And I have, for a long time."

Standing before her, even having known that she  _had_  meant it, he hadn't been quite certain she would tell him so. Now, at hearing the words, his preparation for them proved absolutely useless. He was flooded with the warmth and fulfillment of knowing, of having been told, and it swayed him on his feet, just a little bit.

JJ reached out to steady him, and he caught her hand against his arm.

"Spence.."

"I'm all right. Just.."

She smiled wryly. "Yeah, I know."

His mind took him away for a moment, presenting him with a rapid fire set of images of things that might have been, things that might still be, and things he would be forced to sacrifice. Throughout that journey, he held her hand against his arm. When he emerged, his eyes followed hers in that direction, and he quickly let go.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I just didn't want you to fall over. I think I'd have had a hard time picking you up."

He smiled at the small joke. Now that it was out there, now that it had been acknowledged, now that she'd told him, it didn't seem to hold the same power it had held unstated. It just  _was_. As it had been, seemingly forever.

_You know this. She loves you, and you love her. Don't be afraid of it._

He turned back toward the path, crooking his arm. JJ took the hint, and slid hers through the space created. As they moved ahead, Reid chuckled to himself.

"Actually, it was probably a good thing I was already sitting down, the other day."

"Sitting down, and, at least to my eye, facing near certain death. Honestly, Spence, if I hadn't thought…"

He finished it for her. "If you hadn't thought we were about to die, you would never have told me. Is that what you were going to say?"

He could feel her shoulders shrug. "What would have been the point? I mean, look at how awkward it's been between us, ever since. Why would I have put us through it?"

Reid was silent for a few strides before responding with another question.

"Why did you, then? I mean, you didn't have to tell me."

JJ chanced a glance upward. "I guess…. I just wanted you to know. I didn't want my life to end without having told you. And I didn't want yours to end without knowing you'd been loved. I wanted you to know how precious you are to me."

Moved by her words, and dissatisfied with the circumstances of their conversation, Reid steered them toward a wooden bench, just off the path. There, he sat, and invited her to do the same, turning himself to face her. Giving up the effort to keep him from reading her, JJ faced him as well.

Reid leaned forward, the intensity in his features capturing her full attention.

"Why?"

JJ couldn't break her eyes away, nor could she stop them from filling up. It was a long moment before she could speak.

"I… you're so important to me, Spence. Much more than you know. Much more than I've ever told you. And I just… I couldn't let you go without you knowing."

Reid sat back just a little. "So… I'm important to you." Pondering. "JJ, we've been best friends for years. Of course I know I'm important to you. Are you saying that's what you meant? Because it sounded like something else."

JJ leaned back against the bench, looking up to the heavens in frustration.

_Can I have a little help here?_

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, I know we're best friends, and I've thanked God for that more times than I can count. But, yes, it was something else." Lowering her head to look at him, she offered a wistful smile. "Can I try to explain?"

He knew her smile was a feeble attempt to mask her pain, and he nearly told her she didn't have to. But that would have felt like saying he didn't need to live the rest of his life. So he simply encouraged her.

"I'm listening."

JJ closed her eyes as she searched for the words that had eluded her so far.

"Okay. Well, I know I said 'always'. But it didn't happen quite that way." Shifting around towards him, giving herself over completely to it. "I liked you, when you first came, but I think I also felt a little bit sorry for you. You were always so serious, and Gideon was always quizzing you, and you looked absolutely terrified of Morgan."

He smiled. "I was."

She returned it. "So I made a point of being nice to you. We even had our first and only date, do you remember?"

"Like I could forget."

She giggled, in spite of the situation. "Yeah, I didn't quite know if I was going to have to resuscitate you. But we didn't let it get between us, and I was always so happy about that. As crazy as it seems, I think it kind of broke the ice between us. We started to talk more, and I found out what a really great guy you are. Which made me wonder whether maybe we'd been too hasty about the whole dating thing. But then…"

He said what she'd been unable to. "Then, Hankel."

She sobered. "Yes. Then, Tobias Hankel. And everything that happened after. Oh, Spence, I wish I'd been more mature then! I wish I'd realized that I should have been helping you!"

Reid shook his disagreement. "I was the immature one. I nearly threw my life away, and I was the only one who could fix it."

She defended him to himself. "You weren't being immature. You'd been through a terrible trauma, and you were still hurting. It wasn't your fault. It was just…. I didn't know how to handle it. So I did what I always do, and I put distance between us. I'll be sorry for that for the rest of my life."

Reid's long arm stretched across, and he squeezed her shoulder.

"Nothing about that was your fault. I'm just sorry it took me so long to get past it."

Knowing, by now, that it had changed the course of both of their lives.

She nodded. "That's when I met Will."

JJ stared off into the distance, silent for so long that Reid wondered if the conversation was over, without having reached its conclusion. But then she seemed to shake herself out of her reverie, as she turned her gaze to him once again.

"Will." She sighed. "I told you it was complicated, didn't I? The thing is, I love my husband. I do. I love the life we've put together, and you know how much I love the boys. But I also love you."

His brow furrowed as he struggled to understand her.

"But you love me…. _how_?"

JJ chuckled sardonically to herself. "I'm really bad at this, huh?" She sighed once again. "So, I don't know when I first realized it, but when I did, I also knew that it had been there for a long time. But it kind of crept up on me. I mean, here was my best friend, and it was only natural for me to admire him, and respect him, and look for him in the morning when I got in, and miss him on the days I didn't see him. Right?"

Sitting across from her, Reid was fascinated. What she was describing was something he'd thought only  _he_  did, about her.

"And then, I realized that I was thinking about you, even on our days off, and wondering what you were doing, and picturing us doing it together. And then one of the boys would do something cute or funny, and I'd want to tell you about it. I'm pretty sure that I've texted you photos of them on about a thousand weekends."

He nodded. "I've always looked forward to receiving them."

He'd always thought she'd sent them because he was their godfather, and that he'd looked forward to it because he enjoyed the boys so much. Up until now, he'd avoided wondering if it was the contact with her that he really enjoyed.

"And then, when I was sent to Afghanistan…..I was in over my head, and I knew it. I so wished I had you there to help me figure things out. Not just the work, but  _me_. I needed someone who really knew me, and….and it wasn't Will who I thought of. It was you."

He was immediately defensive of her. "I've told you, you didn't do anything wrong while you were there, JJ. You had limited choices, and you made the best of them."

"See? That's what I needed. I know Will would have supported me, too, but all he really wanted was for me to come home."

He gave her a look. "If I'd known, that's what I would have wanted, too."

JJ rubbed at the arm he'd thrown over the back of the bench. "I know. And then, when I did come home, and we had that awful fight, and I …. Oh, Spence, I messed up so many things in that part of my life. I'm so grateful we didn't let it stay between us."

He gave her his lopsided smile. "Me too." He spent a moment remembering. "I kind of felt like we were starting all over, after that. We were each so different."

"Honestly, I think the only thing that was really different was the trust we shared. It's so weird, isn't it, that the first time there was something between us, I met Will, and the next time, you met Maeve. I thought about that the other day. I wondered if each of us had been waiting for the other, and when neither of us stepped up, we looked elsewhere."

Then, realizing her monumental assumption, she blushed. "I haven't even asked you. I shouldn't assume you feel the same way."

Reid took a moment to assemble his words. "I'm guess I'm still not totally clear on what 'way' that is. But, if you're asking me if I love you, yes, of course I do."

She let out a breath. "But you're not  _in_  love with me." Put as a statement, and not a question.

"Honestly, when we first met, I was as terrified of you as I was of Morgan. But then you were nice to me. The most beautiful girl in the world was nice to me."

He smiled to see her blush at the compliment.

"Of course I fell in love. I've loved you ever since. I just never expected you to return it. That hadn't been my experience with beautiful girls."

"Spence…"

He put up a hand to stop her. "I know, but we're talking about then. After that, I was too messed up, and by the time I managed to find my self-respect again, you were with Will. And I was used to being on the outside, so that's where I stayed."

JJ wasn't sure what to make of it. "So, you've never really thought of me that way?"

"I didn't say that. But I'd been alone for so long that I think it kind of changed my self-image. I couldn't see myself as the guy who gets the girl, so I stopped trying to. Not that I didn't wish for it sometimes, but…" he shrugged, "it just wasn't me."

"Until Maeve."

He shook his head. "I couldn't even believe it with Maeve. I mean, she told me she loved me, and I was dumbfounded. I mean, literally. I couldn't say anything. I just never expected anyone to actually love me."

She reached out to him again. "Oh, Spence! I wish you could see yourself the way I see you!"

He stared at her. "Which is how, exactly?"

JJ looked frustrated with herself. "I told you I was bad at this." Then, staring into the middle distance, she once again sought the right words. "The best way I can describe it is that it's like what happens after the infatuation phase is over, and the feelings become deeper. I'm not saying I've never felt a spark, or that I don't still feel them, because I'd be lying. But it's more than that. It's so much more. It's deeper. It's warm, and encouraging, and accepting. It makes me happy. It nurtures me."

The challenge in his eyes softened, replaced by that familiar, deep affection. He knew exactly what she meant.

"All through my time in prison, I thought about you. I was so sorry for having disappointed you, and for hurting you. For not letting you know what was going on. I guess that was the remnant in me that still feels like I'm on my own."

"You're not, Spence."

The sadness that entered his eyes reminded her that this entire conversation was about the fact that he  _was_ , and would continue to be. Still, he wanted her to know, as much as she wanted him to.

"That first time you came to visit me…God, JJ, the look on your face, and I couldn't reach out to you. I couldn't get you out of my mind. After Luis was killed, and I was put into that therapy group, I started keeping a journal. I was supposed to write a goal, and my goal … my  _only_  goal… was to get home. But the only image I had for 'home'… was you."

Nearly three years later, and the memory of that time still brought her to tears. And she told him.

"That was the time when I realized I couldn't ignore it anymore. Couldn't deny it. I'd known, on some level. I mean… and I know this shows how petty I can be…but I was actually jealous of Maeve. I know, stupid, right? But I told myself that it wasn't jealousy, that I was just worried about you, and what you were going through. But then…oh, God, Spence, when you were arrested, and then when you went to prison….I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I could barely work. I think that's when I realized that all of those feelings I'd told myself not to feel…they were real."

Wetness brimmed her eyes, and he longed to comfort her, but he was well practiced in ignoring such longing. Then his hand remembered what conversation they were in, and reached out in spite of him. It cupped her cheek, and brushed a tear from beneath her eye.

"This was what I wanted to do that day you came to Milburn. I wanted to wash away your tears. And I never again want to be the cause of them."

The words, and the gesture, were too much for her. JJ began to weep, and Reid once again gave in to something he'd longed to do so many times in the past. To be the comforter, and not the comforted. He stood, and opened his arms.

She'd always resisted him. Always made him keep his distance, and not get too close to her weakness. Each time, he'd thought she was being defensive, not wanting to acknowledge her own vulnerability. Now, he wondered if he'd been right about the vulnerability, but wrong about the thing she'd feared being vulnerable to. Because, in this moment, for the first time, she accepted his offer. JJ stood, and walked into his embrace.

He felt the shaking of her body against him, as her grief wallowed up. His long fingers cupped the head that was buried into his shoulder, and held it there, grateful for the privilege. She'd been so precious to him, for so long, and he'd never held her like this.

_And I probably never will again. We can't do anything about this. There's too much at stake. Her marriage, the boys. Even the ways we define who we are._

So he simply stayed in the moment, and absorbed it. Absorbed her. When she quieted, she lifted her head, but made no move to leave the sanctuary of his arms. JJ understood the uniqueness of it, and let it imprint upon her memory.

Eventually, she settled back, so she could see his face. Still resting in the circle of his arms, she smiled sadly up at him. Lifting her hands, she cradled his face between them.

"I really do love you, Spencer Reid. That's something that will never change."

"And I love you. Always have, always will. But…"

Her smile left her. "Yeah, 'but'. I told you, it's too complicated."

He looked off, over her head. "To be honest, when you're still single at my age, pretty much every relationship comes with complications." Looking down to her again. "But I understand. I love you, and Henry and Michael, and I would never do anything to hurt any of you. And I heard you when you said you still love Will."

"I do. I don't even know how that works, but I know that I do. And I don't think I could live with hurting him in any way, even if I didn't still love him." JJ dropped her hands and took hold of Reid's. "Are you sorry I told you?"

Reid's features reflected his ambivalence. "I guess not. I mean, your telling me made it real. But it's not like I didn't know. Sort of."

"But..?"

"But there's something about knowing for sure. Something about being told. It's amazing, and wonderful …..and, if I'm honest, it's also a little painful."

_To love a woman who loves me, and have to walk away…without walking away._

"I'm so sorry, Spence. And I don't want it to be hard for you. I've thought about this pretty much non-stop since that night. I treasure every day we spend together, every moment of every conversation. It's not like I want it to end. But, If it's too awkward, I'll tell Em I want to transfer."

Not that he hadn't thought about it too, but, "Why you?"

She squirmed just a bit. "Well, because I have a family. It would make sense that I'd want to spend more time at home. And you…"

"Have nothing. My only family…my only functional family…is the BAU. You could leave, and still have some kind of context for your life. But, if I left, I would lose all of it."

JJ teared up again, faced with the dilemma she'd put them both in.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I was stupid, I should have known you would find a way to save us. I should have kept my mouth shut, or made something up. I just…. maybe I was just being selfish. Maybe I was too caught up in what I needed you to know. I wasn't even thinking about what might come after."

Reid reached out and took her shoulders, emphasizing the conviction behind his words.

"If you were selfish to tell me, I am just selfish enough to accept it. I love knowing that you love me. I can try to have that be enough, if you can. Because I'm also selfish enough not to want to give up my godsons, or the work that I do. And I don't want you to have to give it up, either. We'll always be in each other's lives, JJ, even if only because of the boys. We may as well find a way to live with it. My suggestion is that we live with it the same way we have been."

"You mean, knowing but not knowing?"

"I mean knowing, but not acting. I'll be honest with you, I have no idea if I can do this. But the stakes are too high for me not to try."

JJ took so long to respond to him that he was worried she would refuse his solution. But her words contained another challenge.

"I don't want this to stop you from finding someone."

"What?"

"I'm serious. Spence, I know you want children. I know you want a family. For the record, I think you'd be an amazing dad. I see how you are with the boys, and I can only imagine how you would be with your own kids. So, I don't want you to let how you feel about me get in the way of your feelings for someone else. Everyone has a first love. Everyone has someone who got away. Let me be that person, but don't let me be the reason you don't find your next love."

"That might have been a little easier a few days ago." The words were out before he had a chance to stop them. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair."

"Yes, it was. All of this is my fault. I just honestly don't know what to do about it, except what we're doing."

Reid did.

"Come here." He drew her into his arms once again. "I may never get to say these words again. But I love you, Jennifer Jareau. I love your heart, and your mind, and your courage, and your caring. I love you on your best days and your worst. And I love knowing that you love me."

She smiled as she put her arms around his neck, drawing them closer. "And I meant what I said that night. I love you, and I feel like I always have. And I know you love me. I feel it every day. I think it's what sustains me."

It was lost on neither of them that they'd made no promises about the future, because the future was not theirs to share.

Nor was it lost on either of them their overwhelming desire to kiss.

Something deep inside Spencer Reid knew that, if he gave in to this one desire, he might then desire something more, and give in to that, and then something more…..

So, he resisted that desire. Instead, he visited that place that had so often provided a home to him when he'd needed one, a haven in times of danger and distress. He looked down, and fell into her eyes, unable to count the times he'd done so before. The blue depths had faithfully held him, and loved him, and consoled him, for years, just as they promised to do today. Reid made no effort to restrain himself. He simply dove in, and allowed himself to be swallowed up. And he found her there, articulating her love for him in ways too powerful for words.

JJ felt him there, more surely than if his lips had covered hers. Her gaze lasered into his, seeking, finding, loving. And then, tempered by their reality, it became shadowed, and shaded, with the need to live in the world they'd been given.

She held Reid in one final, tight, embrace, and felt herself pulled closer than ever before. They were at the end of words, and everything else.

When at last he released her, she turned them abruptly back in the direction from which they'd come.

"I need to get home. Henry's selling popcorn outside the grocery store this afternoon."

"Tell him I'll take one of each kind. I know someone who likes to eat it on the plane."

FINIS

* * *

_**A.N. That's it for now. We'll see what season 15 brings. Or I may write one of the thousand other ways this could have gone, who knows?** _

_**If I could respectfully ask that any comments actually be about this story. As with everything I write, I put a lot of time (and myself) into it. But I don't write the show, I simply respond to it. If you have opinions about where the show writers have taken things, there are plenty of other platforms for those comments. Please use them.** _


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